Dating the Divorced Guy - an interview with Jonathon Aslay

IMPORTANT: If a man told me, on the first date, that he is best friends with an ex, I would say, "No, you're actually in love with her or else that wouldn't be foremost on your mind." End of discussion. AND, I'm someone who IS, in fact, still friends with most of my exes. But it's not material to a first date.

I am even more conflicted than before 🤔😰🤯

Although I think that Evan has good points, I think that his approach is somewhat deceptive. I don't want to get emotional invested into you then hear something that I would have said HELL NO to later. That's somewhat like a trap

I think Evan may be right. At least it feels more right.

The actual discussion on divorced men dating tendencies comes around 35mins.

And alas, they speak the truth. Got my heart crushed through dating a man going through a rough divorce and family court. I think maybe he had good intentions and was into me, but it became clear that he wasnt emotionally available or able to communicate effectively. I thought he was finally the guy I had been looking for, but now realize with that timing, it wasnt going to work. Hes looking for companionship and regular sex, which I was happy to give, but no time spent together, little support. Means no relationship can happen. I hope he comes back when hes got that out of his system, I'm scared he will get snapped up by the next woman who is a bit more patient/dating smart than i was.

Ooof. Getting through this interview was so painful. Interviewer seemed douchey, defensive, and didn’t give his guest the opportunity to finish his thoughts. Super annoying hoe condescending he sounds, plugging sources to illustrate how he has certain scholars on his side. He could’ve done all this in a better way. Would not listen to this guy's advice.

I stopped watching. let the guest speak!!!!!

I think it is better ask questions especially deal breakers earlier than later as you fell connected but at the Same time if you still couldn't figure out the answers of those questions naturally then you grow fear as well, and other becomes harder if the answer comes wrong as a deal breaker and feel hurt more as you grow feelings...so I am younger but still agree with Jonathan

I agree with Jonathan 100%. I don’t have time to wait. I’m sorry I do want to know if someone has a issue with drugs from the getgo!

Johnathan, if a guy asks me to pay I would be so turned off. You need to understand women’s perspective. We are not gold diggers but we feel appreciated, loved and cared when a man treats like a lady. I always offer to pay but when a man accepts is every time I feel like his buddy and this is the last thing I am looking for. Dear Mark, if your sister told the guy what she is looking for which is I think ltr she wouldn’t lose a year from her life. Thank you for the video:)
Sevilay

Evan is not ready to give up his platform. Let the guest speak. There are many ways to skin a cat.

My experience of dating a divorced man with a child and an ex who had learning issues are
She came first. In terms of her feelings regarding our relationship.

He went out on family outings with her which in the beggining was ok. But towards the finish line she was over his most of the time. With their child at weekends. Most weekends.

The texting was constant. She text him goodnight with a X.

Boundaries were grey.

She could basically say negative things about him being with me. It was I'm hurting because your with her.

He was wishy wasy over any future we might have.

That went on for 3 years. If I pulled him up on not having an answer because he was in effect stringing me along, all I got was we are having this conversation again. There is no answer

I asked him if he was still hung up on her. He denied it.
He once said he wasn't sure if he made the right decision or not not having her back.

Then he would say I was not to worry he was still holding my hand.

His affection and spontinety dwindled over time.

He turned around when we were in our 3rd year during a conversation about his flat he decided he did not want kids anymore. I was devestated.
There comes a time when you both need to discuss what you both want for the future. Ours came up during the 1/2 year we were together. He said he needed to sell his flat to divide the money. The issues were the roof repairs. He was not going to marry until this was sorted. He was not going to rush.

I was 39 when I found out he did not want any more children. In the beggining he did.

My heart got crushed. My body I shared with him believing we were making some kind of commitment.

His ex started to be the centre of his time and energy. His child was crying after 3 years together for her parents to be back together.
Lies were told.

He told me he was at a friends hubbys 40th birthday over the weekend. He said it was over 2 days. He was vague about when it was ending.
I found out it was a lie because his daughter was told to stay silent about going out with his ex, daughter and his former in laws. She came in with a toy lion. I asked her she told me. He said you were not to say anything.

I want to avoid my time being wsted again. To say I am resentful that I wasted my prime with him because the deal breaker came from him too late is an understatement. The wrong guy can be sussed out after 2 to three years. It is hard to figure it out for a while.

They can hide things very well because they are still getting what they want from you.

I hung on desperatly for another year thinking we could compromise over kids.

That was the worst mistake.
His behaviour got worse. He lied about his family outings by cancelling on the pretext of helping his dad out. He went out with his parents and ex and child. I got hurt. He just brushed it off. He wasn't the one with aspergers.

I was not against him helping out his ex but not on our time.

He was not honest about his agenda. If he had said things work out better if I sorted out my feelings for my ex wife and I have to let you go. I would of been hurt but at least I could of walked away to persue someone who could give me what I deserved. But he did not.
He convinced me it was dead so the divorce and settlement was a formality. I dated him 2 months after he had the paperwork through to say it was over.

That was crap. His feelings were clear esp during the last year. His emotional affair with her for starters.

The red flag is they persue you relentlessly

Love bomb you

The minute the relationship went very seriou4s he realized he wasn't ready. He would not say it.

He has now gone back to his ex because their child wants it. She had many outbursts to express it.

I walked away telling him he no longer has the power to hurt me anymore.

I will not date a divorced man again. You can get burnt. They can string you along till they figure out what they want. Avoid the couple talk as to how to go forward. You get the "it's driving a wedge between us" (forgot to mention.)0

You end up feeling like the victim.

My chance of having a child is not good now.

I have to deal with that.

Evan, I think you need to have Jonathon on again and let him talk, not argue with him. You were looking for his advice and you don't know what it's like to date in your midlife. It's a completely different type of experience. These interviews actually SUCKED!

Evan, I find you brilliant but your combativeness in "winning the strategy" is too obvious in this podcast, kind of think why would you invite an expert only to debate them too rigorously (specially in a interpersonal relationship type podcast), let it be, if you are so for letting it be (not asking/interrogating dates but just observing) you did not let Jonathon have his own philosophy you kept on and on trying to persuade him, let it go!!! I actually agreed with you but your intensity in winning put me off! I hope yo think on this, smile and move forward in future interviews please!! Thanks for this information though, one of the smartest ideas I've encountered, just less combativeness

I enjoyed listening to the two of you debate the issue of what to divulge on first dates. The issue of who pays for dates came up. Evan,  I think clearly you are the gentleman here... Jonathon Aslay seems quite "jaded" and comes off as wanting equality across the board and doesn't want to spend more on a woman than necessary. If the man makes substantially more, should she pay for every other date? Hopefully a woman brings more to the mix than just 50% of the money. He didn't sound like a very romantic type of guy looking for the "right" woman. Sounds like he's looking for a roommate/FWB situation. The right woman might be wealthy, she might be poor but if she's "right" woman, he will be a rich man in more ways than financially. But the tussle with Mr. Aslay was great Evan!

I the past, I have tried Jonathan's technique of asking questions on the first date with the intention of weeding out the wrong guy. In the majority of cases the men stated upfront that they felt as though they were being interrogated. I now use Evan's technique of just being present on a first date and organically getting to know the guy. I focus on listening ( I am a very good listener and guys generally feel comfortable opening up and talking to me), and as a result, most of the men reveal enough information about themselves on the phone, or on the first date.

save 1 hour watching this debate.

chemistry first. learn if you have it. it is something that cannot be learned or fixed. you either have it or not.

compatibility and communication is something that can be fixed, change and can be learned.

build a foundation based on chemistry first

I find that many men on-line are looking for one-night stands and/or younger women, and hear men state their problem with women are many women are seeking someone with money and lie about their age. More people will find happiness when they get over their insecurities and move forward in life.

Why doesn't Jonathan (blue shirt) go back for a relationship with his best friend (ex-girlfriend), rather than continue to see her when he finds his new (potential) special lady?

We are all hopefully growing, therefore, I agree with Jonathon that some values different from your own, if presented at a future date, will have different levels of acceptance.